Mildura Weekly : Friday December 9 Vol 11 No 6
MILDURA WEEKLY FRIDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2016 02 CHAFF 424 San Mateo Avenue, MILDURA Ph: 5021 1777 | F: 5021 1733 www.milduraweekly.com.au OFFICE HOURS: Monday - Thursday 8:30am - 5:00pm Friday 8:30am - 4:00pm NEWS firstname.lastname@example.org SPORT email@example.com LETTERS firstname.lastname@example.org MANAGING email@example.com DIRECTOR SALES firstname.lastname@example.org CLASSIFIEDS email@example.com REGULAR FEATURES INSIDE TODAY A corporate enterprise of the Mildura Weekly Ph: 5021 1782 www.milduraphonebook.com.au 25,480 COPIES DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY For more info visit www.auditbureau.org.au VET school...first-year stu- dents at the Edinburgh Vet- erinary School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real, and quite dead, cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them; “In veterinary medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. “The first is that you not be disgusted by anything in- volving the animal body. For example,” he said as he pulled back the sheet and stuck his finger up the dead cow’s bot- tom, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns stick- ing a finger in the dead cow, and then sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, “The second most important quality is observa- tion. I stuck in my middle fin- ger but sucked on my index finger. “Now learn to pay atten- tion. Life’s tough – it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.” TWAS the night before Christ- mas at Rock-Away Rest, and all of us seniors were looking our best. Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry; our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry. A bed sock was taped to each walker, in the hope that Santa would bring us soft can- dy and soap. We surely were lucky to be there with friends, secure in this residence and in our depends. Our grandkids had sent us some Christmas crafts, like an- gels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts. The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth, and from them she’d crafted a holiday wreath. The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row, reflecting our candle’s magnificent glow. Our supper so festive – the joy wouldn’t stop – was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top. Our salad was jelly, so jig- gly and great, then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate. The social director then had us play games, like ‘Where Are You Living?’ and ‘What Are Your Names?’ Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats, proclaim- ing that reindeer were nothing but goats. Our resident wand’rer was tied to her chair, in hopes that at bedtime she still would be there. Security lights on the new fallen snow made outdoors seem noon to the old folks be- low. Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter (but we are so deaf that it just didn’t matter)... a strange little fellow flew in through the door, then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor. ‘Twas just our director, all togged out in red. He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head. We knew from the way that he strutted and jived, our social security cheques had arrived. We sang – how we sang – in our monotone croak, ‘til the clock tinkled out its soft 8pm stroke. And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds, while nurses distributed noc- turnal meds. And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest ‘fore long you’ll be with us we wish you the best! THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: “As democracy is perfected, the office of the President represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be occupied by a down- right fool and a complete narcissistic moron.” – H.L. Mencken, The Baltimore Evening Sun, July 26, 1920. NEWS ‘Excluded’ patient seeks changes to VPTAS – Page5 HEALTH Expectant mums turn to hypnosis for birth – Page9 ENVIRONMENT Cod breeding bonanza in the Lower Darling – Page 21 NEWS................................................................ 3 - 21 OPINION ............................................................... 10 ENTERTAINMENT............................. 22 - 23 & 26 TRADES & SERVICES................................. 24 - 25 CLASSIFIEDS ............................................... 27 - 31 SPORT ............................................................ 31 - 36 REAL ESTATE & MOTORING.................LIFTOUT a look at the lighter side of life and our amazing World.... a look at the lighter side of life and our amazing World.... a look at the lighter side of life and our amazing World.... LOOKING for the perfect gift this Christmas? We’ve got it! The Mildura Weekly’s highly successful and pop- ular joke book ‘The Best of Chaff’ is back, just in time for the festive season. The 120-page book cap- tures the very best of the ‘Weekly’s popular Page 2 Chaff section from our first five years of publication. A staple of the newspa- per since its inception in November 2016, Chaff is still considered one of the our more popular initia- tives, and is mainly driven by you, our readers. Each week sees our regular Chaff contribu- tors send in their favourite jokes, anecdotes, cartoons and photographs, with the idea to enlighten, uplift, interest, inform, educate and above all else enter- tain! The Mildura Weekly has reprinted 50 copies of ‘The Best of Chaff,’ with sales to be conducted on a first-in, first-served basis. Copies are available for $25, while we are also able to mail out orders to those readers currently liv- ing outside the district (ad- ditional costs may apply). For more information contact 5021 1777. ‘The Best of Chaff’ returns! MG424 PHONE 1300 135 602 Display Open Monday to Friday 10am to 4pm • 333 Eighth Street, Mildura PHONE (03) 5021 1077 www.milduragardens.com.au New Designs. New Stage. Luxury 2 Bedroom Retirement Villas from $214,250 • Secure Retirement Living • Award Winning Facilities • Architect Designs • Reverse Cycle Air-conditioning • Abundant New Fruit Tr ees • Friendly Environment • Resident’s Co-op Veggie Garden • Aqua Aerobics, Art and Craft Classes • On-site Manager • Close to Community Centre & Amenities A great home for a happy retirement.
Friday December 2 Vol 11 No 5
Friday December 16 Vol 11 No 7