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Mildura Weekly : Friday March 7 2014 Vol 8 No 18
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www.milduraweekly.com.au 2 Mildura Weekly – 07/03/14 a look at the lighter side of life and our amazing World.... a look at the lighter side of life and our amazing World.... a look at the lighter side of life and our amazing World.... 424 San Mateo Avenue, MILDURA Ph: 5021 1777 | F: 5021 1733 www.milduraweekly.com.au OFFICE HOURS: Monday - Thursday 8:30am - 5:30pm Friday 8:30am - 4:00pm NEWS newsdesk@milduraweekly.com.au SPORT sportsdesk@milduraweekly.com.au LETTERS lettersdesk@milduraweekly.com.au GENERAL stuart.mensch@milduraweekly.com.au MANAGER SALES advertising@milduraweekly.com.au CLASSIFIEDS mwclassies@milduraweekly.com.au REGULAR FEATURES In the Riverland.........................................20 - 23 Real Estate Guide......................................25 - 54 Go Auto.........................................................55 - 62 Brain Strain..........................................................63 TV Guide.......................................................64 - 65 Trades & Services......................................66 - 67 Classifieds....................................................68 - 71 INSIDE TODAY Our history is in their hands – Page9 From Bumps to Babies and Beyond – Page 14 Unique products pick up awards – Page 17 A corporate enterprise of the Mildura Weekly Ph: 5021 1782 www.milduraphonebook.com.au 25,718 COPIES DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY For more info visit www.auditbureau.org.au This, we have been told, was an actual letter sent to a bank by an 86-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly de- posit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debit- ing my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re- think my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I person- ally answer your telephone calls and letters when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre- recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan re- payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be auto- matic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an of- fence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Ap- plication Contact which I re- quire your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public and the manda- tory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, as- sets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required for me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: Immediately after dialling, press the star (*) button for English. Then press... #1. To make an appoint- ment to see me #2. To query a missing pay- ment. #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to ac- cess my computer is required. Password will be communi- cated to you at a later date to that Authorised Contact men- tioned earlier. #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. #9. To make a general com- plaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. #10. This is a second re- minder to press * for English. While this may, on occa- sion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again fol- lowing your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client... *** The shopper, obviously an out-of-town visitor, walked up to a group of locals enjoy- ing a coffee in town. “What would be the quick- est way to get to the Centro shopping centre,” he asked. One of the locals scratched his head; “You walkin’ or driv- ing?” “I’m driving,” the visitor replied. “Well then,” said the local, “that would be the quickest way.” MILDURA Police are warning Merbein residents to take extra care when secur- ing their vehicles in the wake of a spate of thefts from cars during the past month. Police say that in most of the inci- dents tool boxes or canopies were left unlocked, or thieves smashed windows to gain entry to vehicle cabins. Inspector Simon Clemence said that on two occasions several vehicles at a single location were targeted by thieves. Inspector Clemence said most of the break-ins and thefts had occurred over- night and involved the theft of tools, electrical goods and cash. Police are urging residents to ensure their vehicles are locked and to remove any valuables from sight. Ute owners meanwhile are being warned to avoid leaving tools and other equipment in the rear tray or tub, or to lock them away securely. Police have asked Merbein residents to keep an eye out for suspicious behav- iour, particularly at night, and report anything suspicious by contacting 000. Residents who have information relating to recent thefts can also call Crime Stoppers anonymously on 1800 333 000. Thieves target cars at Merbein Ph (03) 5023 3823 - res@mildurainlanderresort.com.au - www. mildurainlanderresort.com.au Quality Resort Inlander Come and enjoy live music Every Friday Enjoy great food from our innovative Chef Mark. Relax Poolside, in the gardens or in our Restaurant. Restaurant Open 7 Days: 6pm – 9pm Bookings Essential - www mildurainlanderresort com au Quality Resort Inlander BOOKNOWforMother’sDay
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