Mildura Weekly : Friday July 18 Vol 8 No 37
www.milduraweekly.com.au 2 Mildura Weekly – 18/07/14 ASOCIAL worker from a big city in Victoria recently transferred to Tasmania and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. “Anybody home?” she asked. “Yep,” came a kid’s voice through the door. “Is your father there?” asked the social worker. “Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in,” said the kid. “Well, is your mother there?” persisted the social worker. “Ma? Nope, she left just be- fore I got here,” said the kid. “But,” protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) “are you never together as a family?” “Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the door. “This is the toilet!” APAINTER by the name of Murphy, while not a bril- liant scholar, was a gifted por- trait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew, and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a re- quest he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. In a few minutes he re- turned. “T’would be me plea- sure to paint yer portrait, mis- sus,” he said “The wife says it’s okay. “I’ll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes.” THE ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office. The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer. The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time em- ployment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I”m not sure the ATO finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a mo- ment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his den- tures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grand- pa’s lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can”t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you okay?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the lawyer. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me $25,000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!” ABLOKE starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won’t be best pleased he dis- poses of the fish by feeding it to the lions, because he knows lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is at- tacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bee hive and its bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because Lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion ar- rives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says: “What’s the food like here?” The lions say: “Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.” a look at the lighter side of life and our amazing World.... a look at the lighter side of life and our amazing World.... a look at the lighter side of life and our amazing World.... 424 San Mateo Avenue, MILDURA Ph: 5021 1777 | F: 5021 1733 www.milduraweekly.com.au OFFICE HOURS: Monday - Thursday 8:30am - 5:30pm Friday 8:30am - 4:00pm NEWS email@example.com SPORT firstname.lastname@example.org LETTERS email@example.com GENERAL firstname.lastname@example.org MANAGER SALES email@example.com CLASSIFIEDS firstname.lastname@example.org REGULAR FEATURES In the Riverland.........................................20 - 23 Go Auto.........................................................31 - 37 Full Throttle.........................................................38 Brain Strains.........................................................39 TV Guide.......................................................40 - 41 Trades & Services.............................................42 Classifieds....................................................43 - 47 Real Estate Guide.....................................LIFTOUT INSIDE TODAY Big step forward for motorsports - Page5 Jim has a lean, green, cancer-fighting secret - Page9 PSRubyofftoa birthday bash... - Page 20 A corporate enterprise of the Mildura Weekly Ph: 5021 1782 www.milduraphonebook.com.au 27,337 COPIES DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY For more info visit www.auditbureau.org.au • PEACEFUL PADDLE: This is a sight you don’t see every day, and this photo was snapped right here in Mildura, on the Murray! AWOMAN walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting flies,” he re- sponded. “Oh! Killing any?” she asked. “Yep, three males, two females,” he replied. Intrigued, she asked: “How can you tell them apart?” He responded: “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.” INTERESTING theory...A psy- chologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she enquired: “How heavy is this glass of wa- ter?” Answers called out covered a wide range. She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It de- pends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm.IfIholditforaday,my arm will feel numb and para- lyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “The stress- es and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.” Remember to put the glass down. MG400 RETIREMENT VILLAGE PH 1300 135 602 TO REGISTER FOR RETIREMENT LIVING SEMINAR OR OUR INFORMATION PACK Display Open Monday to Friday 10am to 4pm • 333 Eighth Street, Mildura PHONE (03) 5021 1077 www.milduragardens.com.au Join Mildura’s Premier Retirement Village for $157,500. Only 4 Villas Available at this price! • Secure Retirement Living • Award Winning Facilities • Architect Designs • Ducted Air-conditioned • Abundant New Fruit Tr ees • Friendly Environment • Resident’s Co-op Veggie Garden • Aqua Aerobics, Art and Craft Classes • On-site Manager If you thought you couldn’t afford to live in Mildura Gardens, then think again.
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